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Startups are more omnipresent then neon these days. The explosion of VC funds, incubators, accelerators and other labs of the like is not limited to the coasts, as indicated by the venture moving in across the hall from our Chicago office next month. And with that little one billion dollar Instagram sale, the fever to come up with another elegantly simple, breakthrough idea is spreading even further.

To gain popularity, a potential startup these days doesn’t even need to be real, as demonstrated by the recent Tacocopter hoax. And it can also involve novelty toilet paper. In this era the bar can be low, so let’s make it even lower by celebrating pitches from three startups that haven’t, and probably shouldn’t, see the light of day.

Living Dolls

This version of Living Dolls is not to be confused with the short-lived Who’s the Boss spin-off starring a youthful Halle Berry. No, this Living Dolls is a roving troupe of on-demand party starters that local joints tap into to jumpstart their businesses. It’s often off-putting to enter a sparsely filled store, restaurant or bar, and a smattering of just the right types of people influence the decision of whether or not you stay or bail for a better spot. Through Living Dolls, businesses get a filtered feed of opted-in folks that match their ideal audience (whether it be ethnic hotties, intellectual bougies or tatted up professionals) in the near vicinity who they can immediately tap into to fill those empty window seats. Living Dolls are also vetted and trained in such techniques as hair tossing and flirty laughter that scream fun to further help lure in customers.

Spanks Galore

Spanks Galore is a walk thru concept to appease the on-the-go professional who dabbles in S&M. It occupies off-the-clock and defunct food trucks. This offers a comforting discretion for customers-  who would suspect that you’d walk into a Tamale Spaceship or Duck N Roll themed vehicle for a little light paddling? It also provides a nice revenue stream for  fleets of food trucks during their downtime, since research consistently shows that S&M cravings are conveniently clustered during the post lunch hours.

Pocket Cubes

Move over socks, Pocket Cubes are the next power male successory.  A natural progression from the ubiquitous pocket squares, Pocket Cubes evolve the blazer pocket into a mini diorama that does not require 3D glasses to view. It is a custom line featuring an endless range of structural designs including:

+“Historical” reenactments: Who doesn’t want to pay homage to The Punic Wars on their breast? Or Michael Jordan frozen in time about to release his memorable game winning jumper over Craig Ehlo?

+Festive and seasonal foliage: A winter wonderland of pine, color spruces and candy canes will arrest partygoers and elevate small talk at Christmas, Kwanzaa and Diwali gatherings.

While Living Dolls, Spanks Galore and Pocket Cubes have potential to bring happiness to a combined audience of at least 17 people , their pitches surprisingly still sit in a trash folder of those aforementioned VC funds, incubators, accelerators and other labs of the like.

Image Credit: Kevin Dooley, Brian Thatcher, Lynn Lim and KayVee. INC