Dear moms who are social (in the digital sense),
It’s come to my attention that you are my attention. Mombloggers. iMoms. Frugal moms. Fashionable moms. Healthy moms. Surely you’re aware of your growing prowess and overwhelming influence — nay, iron-fisted dictatorship — over all things digital strategy, branding, advertising, mobile, social media, gaming, and thus, the general livelihoods of those employed by Denuo.
Not a project brief goes by without a lusty, chart-laden “Who We’re Targeting” set of slides devoted to you and your diverse, yet wholly affluent (we’re talking busting at the seams with spendable cash-moneys) lot, 99.977773% of the time falling within a “Mainstream USA” segment that shops at Target. Mayhaps it is you who takes the last of my beloved Mossimo extra-long tank tops.
Your source of power? Purchasing decisions, baby. God forbid if Dad (aka Mr. Utter Waste of Marketing Dollars) wants to slip that new fiber-enhanced cereal into the shopping cart without notarized approval. You clearly wear the matriarchal moneypants in this clan.
So, fully respecting your stronghold in the fibers of our economy and our souls, I’d like propose a few small, reasonable requests that would make life just a scooch easier for both parties:
Free samples. Please take your share and carry on. Your appetite for free goods kind of makes me uncomfortable, moms. Like any other logical being, I think, sure, a gratis 1.7-ounce bag of assorted crackers and pretzels sounds like a worthwhile two minutes of my time. But no. For you, this calls for Paul Revere-esque altruistic measures. The onslaught of your “FREEBIE!!!” proclamations across message boards, blogs, Facebook pages, Twitter, and let’s be honest, your Yahoo! groups, is enough to massacre even the sturdiest of web servers. Upon rallying your troops to the frontlines of whatever poor sap of an app or microsite the submission form lives on, you then realize you’ve sabotaged your own efforts upon receiving The Error Message. And wow, does that really, really upset you. I understand, though. I really like pretzels, too. But please take a deep breath and think of the legacy you’re leaving before graffiti-ing the page with profane remarks and angry emoticons, and yes, picking fights with other moms. It gets ugly, and no one likes seeing that side of you.
We get that you’re always “on-the-go.” Hey moms, we get it. You lead a busy life balancing a career, kids and a h—–d (we won’t even mention that word, he’s so worthless). It’s like you really, never, ever, ever have time. With the few exceptions of online games. Shopping. Mom-blogging. Coupon hunting. Facebooking. Tweeting. Forum catfighting. Watching videos of cute, fat animals. You have priorities and we respect that. That’s why we’re always inventing new ways for you to save time to inevitably waste more of your time. Yeah, that baby’s crying in the background, but you’re in the middle of setting up your webcam to view an augmented-reality sticker off a bag of diapers to get a coupon for $.25 off that you can print off your mobile device to a wireless printer that’s in-store. And you know what? That’s called engagement.
YAY CAPS LOCK AND EXCLAMATIONS!!! We love your enthusiasm, your overstated joie de vivre, made evident by your liberal, fun-lovin’ use of grammatical ornamentation. I like to imagine these positive affirmations cross-stitched on a pillow case, preserved for posterity. It’s nice to see you strike such an efficient emotional chord with your audience. But I get scared, moms, when you turn and use it for evil — to yell at us for making this online experience “SO DAMN CONFUSING!!!!” To let us know your Adobe Flash Player “ISNT WORKING HOW DO I GET THIS WORK ON MY DIAL UP!?!??!” To offer feedback in which you’re “REELY DISAPINTED I DIDNT GET MY CUPON THIS IS TEH WORST THING EVR I HOPE UR FIRED!!!!!!!!!!” If we conducted this exchange in person, I liken it to the sound my cat made upon her unfortunate anal-gland-squeezing incident. We’re sorry. We’re ashamed. Please upgrade your browser.
Use of emoticons. Oh. This, we can agree on.
That should be it, mostly because I fear your stalking tendencies and certainly don’t want to offend the overlords of the mommy-blogger network. I’m optimistic of our continued fruitful working relationship, and if there’s ever a conflict that needs resolution, I’ll be sure to send Dan Buczaczer your way.